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There is nothing quite like the whingeing Poms when it comes to cricket. Commander-in-chief? Saint Beefy of Ignatius:

DON’T JABBER BEEFY JUST WOCKY

(Apology to Lewis Carroll)

‘Twas brillig, and this Limey toad
Did cry and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy ’twere for Cook had got an iffy call,
And the moan and wrath outrage.

“Beware the Jabber just wock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Bastard De Villers claimed one and shun
The furious Beefy snarl!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the prozac foe he fought –
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And bought a snickers bar.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
St Beefy of Ignatius, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came! (Snickers bar had a “best before the Jurassic Period” sticker which he ignored)

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

“And, has thou slain the Jabber who won’t wock?
Come to my arms, Hashim my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!’
We stiffed ‘em again this day.

`Twas brillig, and the Limey toad
Did cry and gimble in the wabe;
All Cook and Amla were the borogoves,
But Strauss was a fair call.

You gotta admit there is nothing nicer than beating the Poms 2-1 on iffy calls. Our Cook and Amla bonuses plays their Strauss. As it turned out Morne Morkel and Dale Steyn put their geniuses to the sword. 203 all out. Only Kevin “bloody” Pietersen weighing in with 45.

South Africa’s top order wobbled then steadied as Ashwell Prince and Hashim Amla saw the Proteas home at 103-3 at stumps. Day 1 to the men from Africa South.

Won’t those Poms be miffed about the Amla decision!

It’s good to be aloive folks (Eccles — Goon Show)




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11 Responses to “Ian Botham is the man from W.H.I.N.E”

Michael Trapido on July 20th, 2008 at 10:36 am

Wow Traps!

i kinda lost in translation…was that spanish, scottish ,polish or danish?

Simplify for us otherwise we end up frying our brains.

(Report abuse)

Siphiwo Qangani with kangaroos on July 20th, 2008 at 5:16 pm

Siya it’s easy - knock back a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue without ice - Now, try reading it again..

(Report abuse)

Michael Trapido on July 20th, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Siphiwo.
but all these black names sound the same huh?hee hee.

Ashwell put them to the sword properly hey.

I will drink to that. And just how great is it to have a batting talent like AB come in at no6? That’s depth I tell you.

Now someone drop Granny Smith.

(Report abuse)

Siyabonga Ntshingila on July 21st, 2008 at 8:45 am

Apology to Sipho I thought it was Siya who couldn’t translate my version of Lewis Carroll… like anyone sober could…

Meanwhile those Poms are sweating….he he he

(Report abuse)

Michael Trapido on July 21st, 2008 at 12:21 pm

Test no. 1881
Basil D’Oliveira Trophy - 2nd Test
England v South Africa 2008 season

Played at Headingley, Leeds, on 18,19,20,21 July 2008 (5-day match)
Result South Africa won by 10 wickets

England 1st inningsRMB4s6sSR
AJ Straussc Boucher b Morkel27101654041.53
AN Cookc Boucher b Morkel1848372048.64
MP Vaughanc Smith b Steyn077000.00
KP Pietersenc Smith b Steyn4573467197.82
IR Bellb Kallis3181515060.78
TR Ambrosec Boucher b Ntini1225171070.58
A Flintoffc Boucher b Steyn1752284060.71
SCJ Broadc de Villiers b Morkel1732203085.00
JM Andersonnot out1140242045.83
MS Panesarc de Villiers b Morkel01211000.00
DJ Pattinsonc Boucher b Steyn820141057.14
Extras(lb 6, w 6, nb 5)17

Total(all out; 52.3 overs; 251 mins)203(3.86 runs per over)

Fall of wickets1-26 (Cook, 11.2 ov), 2-27 (Vaughan, 12.5 ov), 3-62 (Strauss, 21.4 ov), 4-106 (Pietersen, 28.2 ov), 5-123 (Ambrose, 33.5 ov), 6-150 (Bell, 38.5 ov), 7-177 (Flintoff, 44.2 ov), 8-181 (Broad, 45.2 ov), 9-186 (Panesar, 47.6 ov), 10-203 (Pattinson, 52.3 ov)

BowlingOMRWEcon
DW Steyn18.327644.10
M Ntini1104514.09
M Morkel1545243.46(5nb, 2w)
JH Kallis822413.00

South Africa 1st inningsRMB4s6sSR
ND McKenziec Flintoff b Anderson1569433034.88
GC Smithc Strauss b Flintoff4496678065.67
HM Amlalbw b Pattinson38135795048.10
JH Kallisb Anderson412141028.57
AG Princec Ambrose b Pattinson14940128417252.46
AB de Villiersc Flintoff b Broad17451738119045.66
MV Boucherb Anderson34107882038.63
M Morkelb Panesar0106000.00
PL Harrisc Anderson b Panesar2494761131.57
DW Steynnot out1018132076.92
M Ntinic Pietersen b Panesar11413007.69
Extras(b 2, lb 19, w 1, nb 7)29

Total(all out; 176.2 overs; 743 mins)522(2.96 runs per over)

Fall of wickets1-51 (McKenzie, 15.4 ov), 2-69 (Smith, 20.5 ov), 3-76 (Kallis, 23.5 ov), 4-143 (Amla, 43.5 ov), 5-355 (Prince, 118.6 ov), 6-422 (Boucher, 145.6 ov), 7-427 (Morkel, 148.5 ov), 8-511 (de Villiers, 171.5 ov), 9-511 (Harris, 172.1 ov), 10-522 (Ntini, 176.2 ov)

BowlingOMRWEcon
JM Anderson44913633.09
DJ Pattinson3029523.16(1nb)
A Flintoff40127711.92(4nb)
SCJ Broad29211413.93(2nb, 1w)
MS Panesar29.266532.21
KP Pietersen401403.50

England 2nd inningsRMB4s6sSR
AJ Straussc Boucher b Ntini01513000.00
AN Cookc Amla b Kallis601786033.70
MP Vaughanc Boucher b Ntini2190533039.62
JM Andersonlbw b Steyn34804042.50
KP Pietersenc Boucher b Kallis13530260.00
IR Bellc de Villiers b Morkel4280014.28
TR Ambrosec Boucher b Steyn36945038.29
A Flintoffc Kallis b Morkel38955040.00
SCJ Broadnot out6760110111.66
MS Panesarb Steyn10141071.42
DJ Pattinsonb Morkel13362036.11
Extras(b 4, lb 11, w 2, nb 14)31

Total(all out; 107 overs)327(3.05 runs per over)

Fall of wickets1-3 (Strauss, 3.5 ov), 2-50 (Vaughan, 22.4 ov), 3-109 (Anderson, 46.4 ov), 4-123 (Pietersen, 47.2 ov), 5-140 (Bell, 54.6 ov), 6-152 (Cook, 59.3 ov), 7-220 (Ambrose, 86.5 ov), 8-238 (Flintoff, 89.5 ov), 9-266 (Panesar, 94.3 ov), 10-327 (Pattinson, 106.6 ov)

BowlingOMRWEcon
DW Steyn2879733.46(1nb)
M Ntini2576922.76(5nb, 1w)
M Morkel2246132.77(8nb, 1w)
JH Kallis1735022.94
PL Harris1553502.33

South Africa 2nd innings (target: 9 runs)RB4s6sSR
GC Smithnot out3300100.00
ND McKenzienot out6410150.00
Extras0

Total(0 wickets; 1.1 overs)9(7.71 runs per over)

Did not bat HM Amla, JH Kallis, AG Prince, AB de Villiers, MV Boucher, M Morkel, PL Harris, M Ntini, DW Steyn

BowlingOMRWEcon
SCJ Broad10808.00
DJ Pattinson0.10106.00

Toss South Africa, who chose to field first
Series South Africa led the 4-match series 1-0

Test debut DJ Pattinson (England)
Player of the match tba

Umpires BF Bowden (New Zealand) and DJ Harper (Australia)
TV umpire RA Kettleborough
Match referee JJ Crowe (New Zealand)
Reserve umpire NA Mallender

(Report abuse)

Michael Trapido on July 21st, 2008 at 7:36 pm

The right order is restored.

(Report abuse)

Siyabonga Ntshingila on July 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am

Michael Trapido on July 23rd, 2008 at 7:38 pm

Well, you SA friends….wingeing poms or not, that’s the first time you beat us since 1965. Enjoy it while you can. Another 43 years will suit us fine.

As for your personal comments about Botham (he’s retired and a knight of the realm - and you Africaaners never beat him) and Peterson…well it’s obviously well past your bedtime, children.

In sport things ebb and wane. SA rugby is high right now - but let’s see what happens in UK in November. SA cricket has had a fortuitous win - how many times was Smith actually out in the second innings? About five, I recall. He survived only by courtesy of Alim Dar - an Indian! How things change!!!

(Report abuse)

Richard Stevenson on August 6th, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Well Traps,
This is the second of your “sports” articles I have read and I never thought you would roll out this old and tired line. Quite lame.

Funny that in the first of your sports articles I read on the SA Olympic team’s performance, you seem to predict a whole lot of whining to come once they get home?

(Report abuse)

Andrew on August 25th, 2008 at 11:16 am

Whining?

Boet I was just clearing my throat. South Africans don’t whine we let ‘em have it and then some.

There’ll be snot en trane when we’re through.

Not that whining you poms are so good at.

Mind you I do have to applaud your Olympic Team. They were fabulous and did you guys proud. Unlike our miserable lot.

(Report abuse)

Michael Trapido on August 25th, 2008 at 8:32 pm

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Mike Trapido is a criminal attorney and publicist having also worked as an editor and journalist. He was born in Johannesburg and attended HA Jack and Highlands North High Schools. He married Robyn in 1984 (Mrs Traps, aka "the government") and has three sons (who all look suspiciously like her ex-boss). He was a counsellor on the JCCI for a year around 1992. His passions include Derby County, Blue Bulls, Orlando Pirates, Proteas and Springboks. He takes Valium in order to cope with Bafana Bafana's results.
Cell: 072 123 9011
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