One of the most daunting sights that any rugby player will ever encounter’s is the New Zealand Haka being performed by the All Blacks. This Maori war dance just before a Test match is guaranteed to send a chill down even the hardest of spines. Not for the faint-hearted.

With the Springboks top world ranking at stake in Wellington this weekend, I figured that urgent counter-measures are called for : The Hucker.

The South African Hucker is a kugel (Jewish princess) who won’t get off the phone no matter what threats are made against her. This leaves her husband to suffer through hours and hours of banter and yentering so inane it could sterilise a bunny on heat at 300 yards.

So I figured that with the stakes so high the Springbok camp has no alternative but to bring in the World Champion Hucker, the government (Mrs Traps) to perform before the match.

The new schedule will now look as follows :

National Anthems

New Zealand Haka

South African Hucker

HAKA

Performed by All Blacks with Springboks facing them. Usually shoulder to shoulder.

The Ka Mate haka words
——————————
Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
Tenei te tangata puhuru huru
Nana nei i tiki mai
Whakawhiti te ra
A upa … ne! ka upa … ne!
A upane kaupane whiti te ra!

Translated
————–
I die! I die! I live! I live!
I die! I die! I live! I live!
This is the hairy man
Who fetched the sun
And caused it to shine again
One upward step! Another upward step!
An upward step, another.. the Sun shines!

HUCKER

Performed by “the government” sitting on a chair with her mobile phone to her friend Michelle Lazarus (you only hear her though) facing the All Blacks, centre field.

Wagenheimers! Wagenheimers! Chaotic! Chaotic!
Wagenheimers! Wagenheimers! Chaotic! Chaotic!
Ten times round the block no parking! Parking!
Nu so I parked in a loading zone!
Whacked a Mini and rode away…
And you how was your day? (pause to breathe then..)
Awful I know! Where did you see her?!
I could have died! I could have died! I promise you! I promise you!
I could have died! I could have died! I promise you! I promise you!
She was with this hairy man.
Who fetched her son from school
And caused a shtunk when her husband found out.
One ran up the steps! Another down the steps!
And bumped into her hubby.. the son smiles!

KICK OFF

The All Blacks for those who don’t usually follow rugby are the haggard looking bald men.

They will be.

• Why are SARU waiting until January 27?
• Boucher indecision not helping anyone
• How the Proteas can overcome their mental block
• Proteas undergoing epoch change

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 at 5:33 pm and is filed under Rugby. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.