What on earth is THAT thing? Jesus, Mary, Mariah and Whitney! Did you see that? Are they for real!? That looks like something you would get if you moved Joburg Zoo to the inner reactor at Koeberg and let some saboteur loose with a bolt. How on earth did an entire collective of professionals decide that of all possible motifs that was the one that would best represent SA and the World Cup? A terror straight from the heart of dark fireside folklore. Izimuzimu (mythical cannibal creature in Zulu folklore) if ever there was one.

Can you picture the scene: artsy marketing types in radioactive coloured hairdos and psychedelic shirts seated on cushions around a table sipping lemon tea and “conceptualising”, then some creation wearing a skunk on its head comes out of it’s deep LSD induced trance and goes “I know, we’re in Africa right? So let’s have the King of the Jungle, with an African hairdo, and let’s make it green because going green is the new in the black, African, wild and funky. The world will love it!” And (as they do) they all nodded in unison and the suits, not wanting to appear unschooled in the subtleties of peddling wares to an unsuspecting naïve public, also joined in the mutual backslapping while on someone’s iMac Pro, the monstrosity took shape.

And now we have it. Zakumi, (sounds like a token African scholar type character in an 80’s Billy Blanks B-movie special) Bigfoot’s little brother, an escaped extra from Monsters Inc. Could they not at least have asked Lays to lend them a full-size Simba costume? It is a small mercy that it was unveiled late at night for the shock kids will encounter when they encounter it later in the following day amidst their favourite ‘toons and such is sure to leave them needing at least a good hug from mommy if not enough Ritalin to calm a pack of meerkats.

But maybe there is method to this madness. Who’s talking about Mbeki’s resignation now? Not the international media that’s for sure. They are too busy trying to find a PC way of explaining this “thing” to their constituencies and somehow convincing themselves that letting these Africans organise a World Cup was a good idea.

Also, who is going to notice Bafana’s ineptitude while busy recoiling from the life size replicas of our monster haranguing them from every street pole, stadium and building in 2010? In fact Zakumi-induced hysteria will come in handy should we have any need for diversions from taxi strikes, prostitute protests, street kid strikes etc. Just shove a Zakumi bauble in the unsuspecting journo’s face and by the time they (and the viewers at home) recover, you’d be busy waffling on about how we have the best weather ever experienced at a World Cup and all is going swimmingly.