Forgive me for being an apparent party pooper, but have Everton already won the FA Cup?

I could swear that was only the semifinal that they won on Sunday night. I mean, it must be confusing having a match at headquarters — usually reserved for big occasions such as, well, finals — but surely the lap around the park, bare-chested and all, was a little bit over the top?

And thank goodness that putrid match is finally over. After more than two hours of pure tripe, Phil Jagielka finally put us all out of our armchair misery and booked a date with Chelsea at the end of May.

I doubt Guus Hiddink choked on his cottage cheese when he flicked on his box to watch the Sunday movie, only to realise it had been pushed back because Everton and Manchester United were doing their own rendition of Titanic — or something similarly painful.

It was as if the fixture was an afterthought for Sir Alex Ferguson, what with that irritatingly brilliant Portugeezer left out, and a couple of toddlers leading the United line.

What did he expect?

Perhaps the goals and drama of last week heightened our expectations unnecessarily. If you thought English football had become as deliciously mindless as those under-9 kickfests at primary schools all over the city, then Sunday’s events were just for you. A reminder of that great British tradition; a mind-numbing goal-less draw.

If the penalty shootout hadn’t come about, they would probably still be at Wembley, lofting misdirected passes all over the dodgy turf.

And the way that shootout started did not raise hopes either.

Tim Cahill’s audition for Matt Giteau’s flyhalf role at the Western Force went well. It’s a pity that conversions don’t count in football.

As for the Incredible Sulk, Dimitar Berbatov, he sauntered to his spot kick with as much enthusiasm as an alcoholic blowing into a breathalyser test.

Even the usually ice-cool Rio Ferdinand lost his bearings.

My mind is working overtime trying to convince me that it wasn’t the real United I saw on Sunday. Because, on that evidence, even Arsenal might beat them.

Okay, you can stop laughing now.

After all, the Gunners did a pretty good job of blowing their own toes off in the semi against Chelsea.

That keeper, Lukasz Fabianski, deserves to be put down after that display. Petr Cech looks as safe as government houses compared to that maniac.

Lukasz, if you wanted attention you should have taken a dive when Didier Drogba got near you, or something along those lines.

What you shouldn’t have done, is charge like a wounded buffalo and leave a gaping net for Drogba to roll the ball into.

It’s like the keepers are having their own cock-up competition these days.

Deciding last week’s prize will take some doing, but my money has to be on Lukasz the Abandoner.

I thought Arsenal would take the Cup, but that means sweet FA now.

I also reckoned that Chelsea would win the Champions League, but how long that will last against Barcelona is anyone’s guess.

My last bet is on United keeping their cool and winning the league.

They should do it.

Then again, the Sharks should have known how to catch the ball. They didn’t on Saturday.

Maritzburg United should know how to defend. They didn’t on Sunday. And, in all honesty, I should not care about all these things. But I do.

• City still on course for title

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